Apparently I have a case of wanderlust, as I seem to sign up for as many off campus classes as possible. My latest adventure? Austin, Texas for a Public Policy and Ethics class. Actually, I am still in Austin right now, typing my blog update in a hostel. I am right across from Lady Bird Lake, so you can imagine how happy I am looking out the window at a body of water that is not frozen. I was sad that Ashley and Nikki weren’t able to visit, but as much as I love Austin now, I’m sure I’ll be back. Especially if some of the jobs and internships I have been looking at are available.

Other than the warm weather, the trip has given me a chance to think about what I want to do with my life. My professor is urging me to apply to the LBJ school of public policy at the University of Texas, and so far, I am pretty convinced. I may still go to law school for a joint degree, but the idea of persuing some kind of foreign service career is becoming more and more appealing. I like to travel, I enjoy helping people, and I don’t mind taking risks. What better job than a foreign service career? Who knows, perhaps I’ll become a top US diplomat. I’m not going to be too ambitious, as I tend to disappoint myself if I set my goals impossibly high.

On another note, I am a little depressed on this lonely Valentine’s day. I know that I have resolved to be single for awhile, but I still get that lonely feeling seeing other people together. Sometimes I think that I will end up one of those crazy cat ladies. It’s strange, because sometimes I think I enjoy being totally independent. But at the same time, having some kind of dependence on another person is comforting.

Well, I am running out of time, so I’ll explain my Austin adventure in detail when I return to campus. Expect pictures!

I’ve had a depressing revelation in the past few days. Apparently, I am incapable of having a relationship beyond friendship. I start to get close to someone, fear takes over, and I run away. At the same time, I start lying to myself. That nagging voice in the back of my head claims that I am not good enough. Perhaps if I improve myself externally I’ll somehow be “good enough” internally as well. So, I start spending more than 15 minutes getting ready in the morning, spending an extra hour on the treadmill, plucking my eyebrows… You get the idea. I become this superficial person that people hate. But does it make me feel more attractive or worthwhile? Of course not!

Yesterday I decided not to pursue a relationship with a guy who might have been decent. Let’s just say he wasn’t too happy about it either. I’m not going to say I broke his heart, because it wasn’t serious in the first place. But I’m sure I hurt his feelings… Although I’m a little hesitant about my decision, at the same time I believe it is for the best. I can’t contribute enough to an exclusive relationship right now. I can date casually. I can have close friends. But for the time being, I cannot commit myself to anything beyond that. It isn’t because I have commitment issues. It isn’t because I am a heartless bitch. It is because I need to be comfortable with myself before I can be comfortable with someone else. The only reason I usually enter any relationship, even the ones with low levels of commitment, is to validate that I am attractive enough, intelligent enough, and likable. That’s a poor foundation for a relationship, and I need to figure out how to avoid the scenario before I end up getting hurt or hurting other people. Entering a relationship for the sole purpose of feeling wanted is just a recipe for disaster.

Of  course, I ended up hurting the guy anyway, so of course I have already entered the repetitive cycle of self blame. I need to start connecting with old friends again and learn how to trust people. Perhaps having a healthy relationship with someone will eventually follow. Until then, I’ll just continue to be surrounded by people and continue to feel hopelessly alone at the same time.

Wow, that was depressing. It is a good thing a friend is taking me to a salsa bar tonight to celebrate her 21st. Nothing cures depression like dancing right? And on another good note, I’ll be in Austin, TX in a little over a week for a Ethics and Public Policy class. I could use a little vitamin D from the sun….

And I still can’t find my camera. >.<

I’m not going to write about my cancer scare anymore, as the pathology report came back negative for cancerous cells. So I don’t even need to dwell on the fact that I seem to have the strangest health problems. Nor am I going to upload pictures from Christmas yet (I still need to find my camera before I can even think about it).

I’ve been thinking a lot about depression and have come up with a game plan to prevent me from going downhill again, as I usually do in the winter. So for I am just surviving, and I want to thrive. So, here are some things that I have learned about my own secrets to happiness. Think of this list as my late new years resolutions. This list is really cheesy and probably the advice that is given in most self help books, but it helps to remind myself of what really works.

1. Exercise and eat right (I’m still working on it, but I’m doing so much better. I haven’t binged for a few weeks, and my weight is down a few pounds. I’m not starving myself either, which is always a temptation when I’m bored and dwelling on my flaws. And I’m dancing again! Let me tell you: Tango is fun!) I also have to remind myself that losing weight is not necassarily healthy too, so I need to find a balance of too much and too little food. As much as I hate seeing 127 on the scale, I have to tell myself that I am still well within a healthy weight range. It’s hard though, especially when I am used to being really tiny. For some reason, being unhealthily small makes me feel a little more secure. I need to start focusing more on health than size, which might turn out to be a lifelong struggle.

2. Work on forming good relationships: This one isn’t going as well. I have a good number of acquaintances, but only a few are what I would consider close. Most of these close friends don’t go to my college either, which makes things hard. And I tend to run away from people before I get close to them. On top of this, I don’t trust myself. I assume that I am unlovable. Some of the loneliest people are the ones who are surrounded by people, which is certainly the case with me. And let’s not even get started with my commitment phobia when it comes to romantic relationships.

3. Make goals for the future: I’m starting to do this. I’m taking LSAT prep. classes in case I actually decide to go to law school. I’m meeting with Career Services on campus to help me figure out possible internships. I’m becoming more active my pre-law group as well.

4. Do things you enjoy: Okay, time is definitely an issue with this one. I have no free time lately. I need to start writing again (for fun), which is an easy, simple way to enjoy myself. As mentioned before, I am also dancing again.

5. Try not to get stuck living in an uncomfortable environment: I’m not sure why I didn’t think about how cold and dreary Iowa is in the winter. However, I might get to go someplace warmer for my next class if the professor still has room available…and I have the means to pay for it. I’m crossing my fingers though, because having a roommate who prefers to keep the windows open when the temperature is 30 below is not my idea of comfort…

Well, there you have it. My short and sweet list of goals. I’ll let you know how they go.

I was going to make this a longer post, but my computer’s internet isn’t working at the moment, so I can’t upload pictures to accompany my Christmas break synopsis. I’ll summarize now and explain in greater detail later.

Being the medical anomaly that I am, I ended up having surgery on New Years eve. My doctor decided that the swollen lymph node in my neck felt too suspicious and had been there far too long (over a year) to ignore. Of course, I freaked out because I was sure I had lymphoma or some other cancer. Well, they did find a tumor, but it wasn’t in a lymph node. It was actually in a salivary gland. Fortunately, they are pretty sure it is benign. I’m waiting for the definitive tests to come back, but I’m trying not to worry. It looked benign, and only 20% of cases are malignant. After all, it had been there for over a year, so if it was cancer I’d probably be dead or pretty sick right now. So, other than being in a bit of pain, I feel fine. I also have a few cysts on my ovaries, but apparently they are not big enough to worry about?

In other news, I’m going through an identity crisis because a) I have no idea what I want to do with my life and b)I just realized that I have no job for the summer.I just feel like I am behind in everything due to all these health problems. It’s hard to keep up sometimes. I feel like I’m juggling my struggling social life and my academic life.

I’ll write more tomorrow or Thursday, when I have my internet back and the time to just sit down and type.

Everyone has heard the phrase “There’s no place like home”. Well, right now I wish I had a pair of ruby slippers so I can just magically appear in my warm, comfortable home. All I want to do is curl up in front of my parent’s fireplace, sip hot chocolate and cuddle with one of my babies (my pets).

The last week has drained the life out of me. I look and feel like the living dead. It started with a group project that became hell. No one in our group has had enough time to collectively put something together, and our professor is making us feel stupid by disregarding all the work we have done so far. But somehow, we managed to write a good paper and make a good presentation. Unfortunately, doing so required about 3 all nighters in a row.

I can handle a few all nighters, even if feel nauseous and weak most of the time (thanks to my horrible immune system). What I cannot handle is a professor who not only makes me feel stupid, but also gives me a grade that I do not deserve. Here is what happened: It started with the fact that I couldn’t get a plane ticket any later than Friday, which is the day that we are scheduled to present our project. Being a good student, I told him this a week before. Then, I got a snappy email from him that implied that I planned to miss an important day of class because I wanted to go home early. Hello? I live on the other side of the country! I can’t just go home whenever I want to. It requires, planning and money. Yes, I could have gotten later plane tickets, but it would cost $2000 extra. And as most college students know, $2000 is not pocket change.

Because he can’t accomidate my “poor choice”, I am going to probably get a C or a D in the class because he won’t let me make up for it somehow. It doesn’t matter that I have done most of the work on the group project. It doesn’t matter that I wrote most of the paper. It doesn’t matter that I’m not a bad student and I work hard for my grades. If I get a C or a D, it will be hard to bring my GPA up enough to graduate with honors (I have a 3.6 now, and I have to have 3.5 or above).  I hate that one stupid class can strike an achievement off my resume for graduate school. The horrible thing is that this is a 100 level course, which means that it is supposed to be easy! How is it possible to get As and Bs in high level classes and not do well in a class like this?

Sorry for venting. The rest of the day will probably be spent moping around. I also have to worry about being able to fly home tomorrow morning too, as there is supposed to be a massive winter storm headed my way. Fantastic…

And I was doing well with healthy eating until all of this happened. Now I’m back to skipping meals, getting extremely hungry later, and eating massive ammounts of sugar. *sigh* Suprisingly, I’ve either lost a few pounds or maintained my weight. Does stress do that to you? Maybe it makes me have the metabolism of a psychotic mouse. All I do is fret about everything! Who needs exercise when you can burn calories worrying? That was a bad joke…

I was going to update last night, but I was a little too exhausted. I can’t even remember what I was going to write about, but I think it was something good! Anyway, I’ve still got a case of the winter blues. It’s cold outside, the sun has dissapeered behind a veil of gray clouds, and I still have a week left of class. Unfortunately, it’s not really an easy week either. I’ve also managed to somehow fail half of my tests, which concerns me a little. I usually do really well academically. The lowest grade I’ve gotten so far in my 3 years at college is a B-, which was in French. I’m terrible at languages, so I was really proud of my B-! Perhaps I’m too much of a perfectionist, because life shouldn’t have to be about grades. 10 or 20 years from now, I doubt anyone will care if I didn’t pass every single class with flying colors.

I just can’t focus and I’m really forgetful lately. I’m hoping that part of it is my diet and once I consistantly eat healthier, my focus will return. I also have a group project due and I am the one doing most of the work. It’s partially my fault though. I tend to volunteer to do everything even if it isn’t good for my mental well being.

Anyway, my dad sent me pictures from his trip to Florida to make me feel better. He went hiking somewhere, and this picture of a frog makes me smile. I used to love catching frogs when I went camping as a kid. I still like them. Perhaps I think if I kiss enough of them one will turn into a prince?

Apparently, sugar is like crack. It doesn’t make you deliriously high, but it does increase those “happy hormones” you learn about in biology classes. You’re brain actually adapts to a high sugar diet. When you remove it from your diet, intense cravings are similar to withdrawal symptoms. Interestingly enough, the article discusses brain adaptations in individuals with bulimia and binge eating disorder. Perhaps this is why I am having problems making my diet steady? For a few days, I’ll eat really well and start feeling better. Then I’ll binge on something sugary. Last year I ate granola bars, candy bars or pieces of bread as a meal. I assumed that because I was still thin that my body could handle that kind of eating. Now I’m struggling with my weight because I still crave sugary food. Give me a waffle with maple syrup over the healthier veggie omelet for breakfast any day! This was before I discovered that I can’t eat wheat of course. Waffles may have wheat, but white chocolate does not! From now on, I’ll have to think about turning into a food obsessed mouse the next time I am tempted to nibble on a delicious and addicting Reese’s peanut butter cup.

Speaking of mice, I think thid is why I had a cute little fuzzy creature in my box of snacks the other day. I unknowingly turned him into an addict. Mouse rehab anyone?

Anyway, here is the article:

Sugar Can Be Addictive: Animal Studies Show Sugar Dependence
ScienceDaily (2008-12-11) — Scientists have demonstrated that sugar can be an addictive substance, wielding its power over the brains of lab animals in a manner similar to many drugs of abuse. Researchers found profound behavioral changes in rats that, through experimental conditions, have been trained to become dependent on high doses of sugar. Lab animals that were denied sugar for a prolonged period after learning to binge worked harder to get it when it was reintroduced to them. They consumed more sugar than they ever had before, suggesting craving and relapse behavior. … > read full article

Thanks to Nikki (via Twitter) and Ash, I’ve discovered that my so-called “healthy” habits aren’t so healthy. I probably should have guessed that drinking something with ingredients that are unpronounceable is a bad idea. Unfortunately, those mystery ingredients are also highly addictive. I’m in the process of becoming a health nut (preferably in a way that isn’t obsessive) and I came across this article by an homeopathic doctor: Aspartame: What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You . Apparently, aspartame can contribute to Multiple sclerosis (my mother has this), hypoglycemia (I definitely have this!), hormonal problems (and I definitely have this as well) and most disturbingly, some forms of cancer. This scares me a little bit, because I am probably going to get a biopsy on swollen lymph nodes in my neck that haven’t gone away in a year. My doctor think that they are from the multiple sinus infections I had last year and this summer, but she wants to be sure.

Information like this makes me wonder if health problems are getting worse because there are so many chemicals added to our food. When I was in Africa, I noticed I felt pretty health despite the 100 degree heat. I was eating a simple diet primarily consisting of veggies, fruit and meat. I didn’t eat sugary things or drink diet soda. Everything was fresh and homemade. I admit I did drink a little wine while I was there, but wine is supposed to be an antioxidant. Of course, this is not an excuse to become an alcoholic. As the saying goes, everything in moderation!

As I mentioned before, my mother has MS. Like me, she also has a thyroid disorder and insulin resistance. However, she is extremely healthy for someone who has autoimmune and metabolic problems. She exercises at least 5 days a week, and that doesn’t include her already active lifestyle. At 5′8 and 138 pounds, she is the same weight she was in high school. Her diet consists of natural, simple foods like veggies, lean meats, and nuts. She doesn’t eat bread at all. I don’t eat bread either due to the celiac disease, but I still eat things like gluten-free cookies! She doesn’t count calories and eats when she is hungry. She drinks water and certainly avoids diet products! As much as I hate to admit it, I need to model my lifestyle after my mother. Isn’t it every daughter’s worst nightmare to become a replica of their mother? In this case, it certainly isn’t!

I sound like a medical disaster, and I’m hoping that cutting out the diet coke will improve a lot of things. I’m doing a lot better with eating. I still need to eat more veggies, but that can be easily done by getting more creative with cafeteria salads.

Short entry, but maybe it will make someone laugh. I like to think that I have common sense. However, when I lose that common sense, my brain cells take a vacation.

For someone who is perpetually cold, I didn’t seem to realize that winter in Iowa is dangerously freezing. I walked back from a party last night, slightly intoxicated, in open-toed high heels. The temperature was about -2 with the wind chill. In my altered state of mind, I enjoyed walking through the snow rather than on the pathway. Apparently I didn’t realize that sidwalks are meant to be walked on. I had the opportunity to get different shoes, but I really liked these shoes! They make my pale ugly feet look pretty! I suppose I allowed vanity to become more important than my sanity. I don’t drink much because alcoholism runs in my family. When I actually do decide to drink, I don’t really know what my limits are.   Needless to say, I woke up with red toes and a pretty bad headache. Moral of the story: Drinking is bad for you, especially when you can’t remember how cold it was the next morning.

So hopefully someone was entertained by stupidity.

On another note, I was really bored this afternoon after I woke up. At the same time, I was feeling a little stressed out because the two girls that I am working with for my group project aren’t very motivated. So, I turned to youtube for a quick therapy session. Anyone remember Fantasia? Maybe this makes me a nerd, but dancing animals make me happy. This part is my favorite:

I’m feeling pretty healthy these days, but not everything is perfect yet. I still have a lot of random, weird symptoms that just won’t go away. I was talking to my doctor today because I needed a refill of various medications. I apologize if this is too much information, but we discussed whether or not I have gotten my period yet. Maybe this sounds like a woman’s dream come true, but I haven’t’ gotten mine for over 3 years. This is despite being at a healthy weight at least half of the time. So, when I get home, I get to have more medical tests. She thinks I might have PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I looked it up, and one of the symptoms is weight gain. That scares me a little. Well, I have gained weight, but that’s what happens when you eat too much and don’t exercise. Since I’ve started being more active and eating better, my weight drops pretty easily. I’m still at the lower end of a healthy weight range too, so I’m not in danger of becoming obese yet. I just need to learn how to eat a balanced diet. But the other symptoms sort of fit. I have blood sugar problems (hypoglycemia). If I don’t eat something every three hours or so I pass out. My hair is still falling out to some extent. I also break out pretty easily if I eat a lot of sugar. The main symptom however, is not having a period.

PCOS is also a metabolic disorder, characterized by insulin resistance. Not everyone has it, but the fact that I have flucutating blood sugar could mean that I have insulin resistance (or prediabetes) as well. I know my mom has prediabetes, but she is thin as well. So it is definately possible to have insulin resistance even if you are not overweight. So could this be the reason I am still tired, my hair is falling out and I am always hungry. Yes, I’m that weird girl who brings trail mix to class.

So I might have not one, but two metabolic disorders (the other being hypothyroidism)? How does a previously healthy child turn into an adult with problems like this? I just want to be healthy! While I hope that I don’t have yet another problem to complicate things, it is motivation for me to stay healthy. I have an instinctive feeling that years of abusing my body have finally caught up with me.

Sorry to write about medical things, but maybe someone will read this and discover that that they have had the same problem. My doctor said that as long as I continue to eat healthy and exercise, I should be fine. But if I starve myself or continue yo-yoing with my weight, I could be damaging my system somehow. I’m already convinced that I damaged my thyroid by not eating enough, exercising too much and living on caffeine and minimal sleep.

So, the moral of the story is take care of yourself. I’m lucky I’m still young and maybe I can reverse all the things! Let’s hear it taking care of your body and enjoying life!